Entry 1: My first pep talk to myself through journaling to deal with anxiety

Today I’m feeling a bit depressed. I am scared of something, and I’m not sure exactly what it is. Actually maybe I’m just afraid of getting started on work today, because it’s not so easy to make lesson plans out of thin air, and I have these huge, high expectations for what my lessons should be. They should be life changing for my students or something, right? Is that why I put so much pressure on myself. It’s okay that my lessons aren’t life changing. They are not supposed to be, or could they really be? I do want to do the very best that I can do. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that, but when it makes me feel bad like this… There’s definitely something wrong. Undoubtedly. Yes, my life is amazing. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing job, I have so much free time to really make myself into whatever/whoever I want to be. There’s so much time to work on projects and learn things or do whatever the heck I want to. I have to really take hold of that and the first thing that I have to do in order to take hold of that is finish my work each day and get ahead on it, so that that’s not something that is hanging over my head constantly. If my work is out of the way, then I’m free to do whatever I like with my time without any pressure. There’s really no use in stressing myself out over time or anything else like that. I have to enjoy my life and enjoy each day as if it were my last because there are a limited number of days that I have to live and while it’s good to remember that and live accordingly, there’s no gain in stressing over it. Just remember it and do my best with that knowledge. So, how do I sort myself out today and have an amazing day? That’s a question I hope to answer in writing this freehand 3-page journal entry. I found this journaling idea in a book, and I thought it might be useful for getting my thoughts out that I keep bottled up inside most of the time. I can’t continue to do this. I refuse to let myself continue to do this. It’s not good for me. I can make my life whatever I want it to be. I don’t have to get up and get ready and go to my office. If there’s anything that is pressuring me to do that. Forget it. Forget everything that is “pressure”. Only consider what is good for me and my productivity and my happiness and comfort. I want to enjoy this day while getting tons of things done. I have to enjoy this day while getting all my things done. The first thing that I have to do is go in there and exercise. I should enjoy everything that I do and one way that will help with that is asking why I’m doing each thing. I have to make a list of what I hope to and want to accomplish today. I will probably watch my Chinese drama to study Chinese some more. I definitely know that I want to speak Chinese well and understand it better. This will undoubtedly make my life in China better. I would be able to interact more comfortably in public. I could save more money, because I would be able to comfortably check out more restaurants and find more information online. I would be able to communicate with other people to accomplish whatever tasks we need to accomplish or sort out problems that we have. For example, our fridge doesn’t work perfectly. We could get ourselves a new fridge more easily if I could communicate more easily. I would be able to go on trips more comfortably and I would feel proud of my ability and more like I actually know what I’m doing as a language teacher. These are all excellent reasons to improve my Chinese, so I have to make more of a determined effort to study Chinese daily. Just find ways that I can enjoy and get to it, girl! Keep a structured approach as much as possible that is not something that I would want to avoid. Remember your why’s. Always review the why’s to keep yourself going. Also, with exercising, remember your why’s. Your stomach already is looking amazing. You are inspiration for others. You will feel great after your workout. You can enjoy learning dances and making your body look amazing! There’s no reason to sit around and worry about this or that. If you don’t feel good when you wake up, there are a ton of resources that you can use to make yourself feel good. Tony Robbins talks about this a lot, so just go to his content online and try out one of his morning routines to change your state. He is an expert on the topic and you can trust that he has you covered. Just find a way. No need to continue in this not so great state that you are in. You have a ton of resources at your fingertips with the internet. You also have a lot of knowledge that you can apply as well. Don’t be a victim who is helpless. Don’t fall victim to helplessness. That is just your thinking. You are able to overcome anything that is thrown at you. You’ve been training for this for so long. Don’t feel unqualified for it! You are very qualified. You just doubt yourself so much. Cut it out! You are capable! You are more capable than anyone else! If you were working together with other people on these tasks, you’d gain your confidence back in an instant once you compared yourself to others and how they planned to accomplish the task. It’s laughable when you work with other people how inferior their thinking is! Girl, this is your forte. This is your area of expertise. You can figure this out. Your main problem is your lack of confidence in yourself. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you can’t do it and that you’re gonna continue like this forever, then you will, just because you believed it. Don’t let that happen to yourself. You’re gonna do exactly what you believe you can. So believe that you can achieve everything that you desire, because you can! You can kill your lesson plans for this week, probably just in a couple of hours. You can own Chinese. Just by watching an interesting show that you can enjoy, you will improve your Chinese listening skills and pick up even more vocabulary and solidify more grammar that you can use in your everyday life. You will enjoy your workout this morning. It’s enjoyable to make progress with your body. You can perfect your thighs. You can perfect your abs. It’s amazing how they are coming along already with such little work. It has to be like that with everything else as well. It’s worth looking into it more to get other routines figured out to see how to have really tight legs as well. Today is my day. Today I will accomplish everything I want to without doubting myself. I can do it however best suits me. There are a few things I know about myself that can help me to have a wonderful day and success at getting everything done well. First of all, I have to start by getting up and getting my butt to work …. With exercise. Today is Monday so I will start with my ab workout. During that time, I can listen for Tony Robbins morning routine or a state change exercise. I need to get my butt into a better mood. I’m not going to continue to feel the way that I do right now all day. Forget it! There’s no reason to! After I complete a workout that was enjoyable. And might I add, I will review my why’s for working out. First of all, to improve the way my body looks. This is for myself to feel satisfied and proud of myself and for my husband to feel satisfied and proud of me as well. It is also to get a great start on my day. Whenever I exercise in the morning, I feel energetic and productive. It’s something I can be proud of how I started my day out wonderfully. After that, I’ll do a meditation to clear my mind and focus on good things like gratitude. It’s useful to do visualization to get better results and get more focused on what I want to accomplish. It’s good to calm my heart and mind for a bit and escape from that chaos that is my constant thinking all the time. I need to slow down my mind and get in the zone to get ready for what’s coming next today. After that, I’ll take a shower, which I will thoroughly enjoy and will focus on enjoying it in the moment. I’ll also use that time to think about how I did things well today. I’ll reflect on what I did right and how it benefited me and how I would like to do things moving forward from today. After my shower, I will focus on getting ready to the best of my ability. I feel great when I look great, so I will focus on my appearance and making it the best that I can. Once I’m dressed and ready to go, I’ll make a list of all that I would like to accomplish today. I will identify what is giving me a bit of anxiety and tackle it right away. I’ll use the same method that I used before with the cycle working (for 20 minutes and an extra 10 if I feel like and then taking a break for 10 and an extra 5 if I need). I’ll also start with the biggest, ugliest frog first (reference to Eat that Frog by Brian Tracy), because that’s how the elite operate and I want similar results to what they get. That’s how my day is going to go today. I will work wherever I need to. Wherever I feel the best and that will help me to accomplish my goals. If it’s staying at home, no problem. Don’t feel pressured to go work in your office. It’s only if I am prevented from working as well that I need to go somewhere else, or if I feel depressed here or something. But otherwise I’ll just focus on getting my important work finished, first. Once I’m finished with my lesson plans for the week, then I can move on to working on studying Chinese or pursuing any of my other goals that I have on the whiteboard or just enjoying my time. There’s a reason I have this extra time and that is to spend it on doing things that I enjoy and that make me better for the future. Whether that is as a parent, businessperson or whatever. I can spend my time how I like without having to feel any shame or anything like that for just enjoying myself. It’s really okay to enjoy myself. As long as I’m not just aimlessly wasting my time. I can work toward other pursuits that I have in my own mind. No one is blaming me for that. Just be sure that I get the apartment cleaned up and take care of my responsibilities. I can’t neglect those. In the end, today is going to be a breeze because I’m going to use what I know to make it that way. No need for anxiety.